But here’s the truth:

Most of what is called ‘mutual respect’ in the horse world is manipulation dressed as kindness.

It’s control, softened with marketing.
It’s coercion, framed as choice.
It’s not respect.

Real mutual respect is rare.

Because it requires one thing that most trainers — and most of us — have not been taught to do:

👉 Seek the horse’s truth.

Not the behaviour.
Not the response we want.
Not the version of the horse that keeps us feeling good.

But their truth.

And most horses today have learned — their truth is not safe.

And it’s happening everywhere.

Not just to horses — but to people.

There’s one woman — her videos are everywhere.

Music playing, big show, the whole performance.
Her horses are constantly seeking treats — anyone who can read that behaviour can see it.

But she cuts her videos — so you never see her giving the treat, or the full pattern of behaviour.

And I’ve even had students come to me and say, “No, I’ve taken her courses — she doesn’t use treats.”

It’s that manipulative.

Another trainer — I watched a video of him working with a mare.
He says on camera, “I’m not pressuring her.”

Then he runs the length of the arena — not at her, but alongside — creating pressure with every movement.

Pretending that’s not pressure.

That is manipulation.

Of the horse.
And of the audience.

It is designed to sell a story:
👉 This is beautiful connection.
👉 This is mutual respect.
👉 This is how it should look.

WAKE UP PEOPLE — LOOK BEYOND THE PERFORMANCE.

Because when you really look — with clear eyes — you will see it:

👉 The horse is not in conversation.
👉 The horse is not expressing truth.
👉 The horse is managing the human — or submitting.

That is not mutual.
That is not respect.
That is not a relationship.

And most importantly — it’s not fair on your horse.

Here’s another one:

Someone says, “My horse is just lazy. He won’t go forward.”

And instead of listening — instead of wondering why — they start throwing tricks at him.

Backing him up.
Using “new ideas.”
Changing the exercise.
Sweetening the deal with food.
Driving him with pressure.

All to get the behaviour they want.

And they call that communication.

But I call it coercive control — with a smile on top.

Because here’s what mutual respect would actually look like:

👉 You hear the no — and you stop.
👉 You ask: Why doesn’t he want to go forward?
👉 You reflect: What is happening in me, in the environment, in the relationship — that makes forward feel unsafe or pointless?

And you listen.
Even when it’s hard.
Especially when it’s hard.

How do I know about these tactics?
Because I used them too.

I used to call it education.
I used to call it training.
I used to tell myself: I’m helping.

But now I know — I was managing.
I was manipulating.
I was getting what I wanted — and calling it mutual.

And this is what I want to say to you — with as much love and clarity as I can:

If you are shaping the horse to fit your goals —
If you are overriding their truth — even gently —
If you are focused on the outcome over their experience —

That is not mutual.
That is not respect.
That is not a relationship.

And most importantly — it’s not fair on your horse.

What becomes possible when we stop manipulating?

Everything.

We begin to see who they really are.
We begin to build trust — based on honesty, not performance.
We begin to feel a connection that is real — not shaped.

And what the horse offers from that space — freely — will move you in ways no method ever can.

This is what we teach — in the Learn To Speak Horse course:
How to recognise the control behind the kindness.
How to step out of tactics.
How to meet the horse in truth — and finally build a relationship that honours their voice.

If this speaks to you — you are so welcome to explore this work with us.

It will change your horse’s experience. And it will change you.

With love,
Paulette

Explore more about this work

🌸 The Horse Knows Best

🌸 Embracing the No

🌸 Mutual Respect — What It Really Means

🌸 Truth Seeker

🌸 When Kindness Feels Like Control — to Your Horse

🌸 My Journey With Whips — What I Learned About Control

🌸 Why “Calm and Kind” Isn’t Always Listening

🌸 Beyond Obedience: Why Shaping Can Still Be Control

🌸 True Liberty vs Trained Response — Can You Tell the Difference?

🌸 What Real Leadership Looks Like for Your Horse

🌸 Offering Choice Isn’t Enough — How Our Intentions Still Shape the Horse